It’s going to be a new day.

No more whining.

No more wishing I could beat up a coworker for seemingly being a heartless prick(er…don’t know if I can get rid of that feeling right away).

No calling Trent to leave evil messages on his phone about how he moved on too quick.

NO MORE OBSESSING about why my relationship didn’t work. It didn’t work. I knew it wasn’t going to.  Someday, I will talk to that man again without getting the urge to poke his eyes out or training the dog to bite his balls (ha!).

No more being lazy about working out. I’ve gained a few more pound over the last few weeks over this incident…I’m kind of an emotional eater….

NO MORE EMOTIONAL EATING.

No more letting jerks PISS ME OFF with their nonchalant ways of telling me to get over it (Hello, Mother).

Last but not least….

NO MORE LETTING TRENT GET THE BEST OF ME. HE IS NOT GETTING ONE MORE TEAR. NO WAY.

As you can tell by my previous post, someone rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, completely. I don’t suppose that they were TRYING to be rude, but as someone who is currently studying psychology and things…Well, I just hope they don’t end up trying to be a therapist, because when someone is going through a stressful time, they want someone there for them. No, not to hold their hand and coddle them.

I was very offended by what he had to say to me. As you know, the other night…and today…and tonight actually, I have been so very down about this entire ugly situation. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop feeling like I was never appreciated. And I knew I wouldn’t get sleep. Those of you who are closest to me know that I do not handle stress well, sometimes.  Then add to that the struggle to break free of the SSRI nightmare. Give me a break. I didn’t try very hard, but I just asked ONE person about working for me today. My morning shift. I didn’t expect a yes. I guess I was just looking to talk to them about it. Maybe. I don’t know. I was distraught. Hurt beyond measure. I think the other person mentioned to other people working there that I was looking for some help in this department. I didn’t care…they never called me anyway. And I knew the one person would never say yes anyway, because he once told me that while he’s on our phone list as a green (someone who often picks up shifts for people)…He never does. Something about getting the satisfaction of saying no. Kind of funny at the time, but I hope that he never needs help covering a shift…I digress…

I really thought this guy was a nice guy, overall….He was ok to work with and seemed to know his stuff. I never called him at work last night to bug him and ask him if there was any way in hell that he could work for me. I sucked it up. I went to work. In fact, I even went out and had a few with work colleagues last night and certain people, that matter, were very happy that I was being so responsible and coming into work this morning, blah blah blah. They knew how upset I was. Maybe they don’t care for me like friend do, you know…But they knew I had been going through a big mess over the last few weeks. It felt good.

But today…This other guy…that I thought was nice….Had commented on my page. Go me for once commenting on his site and not thinking when I left my URL. *slapping hand to forehead right about now*

He said this to me:

“You shouldn’t expect your co-workers to fill in for you just because you are having relationship problems.”

It’s like….ok….

My problem with this whole thing…is that I barely know the guy. And he’s not someone random that I have met online through this blogging adventure of mine.  If I didn’t know who it was, I would have called him a troll. Unfortunately, he doesn’t meet the criteria of an online “troll” as he actually left his real name and real website.

I know that this person is smart. Don’t get me wrong. But he reminds me of my brother. Except…it’s like all the WORST parts of my brother. (Mike, if you still come and read this site…love you lots! Say hi to the wifey for me!) I mean the VERY worst parts. My brother has a bit of a know-it-all attitude and he has a right — he’s damn smart. But he doesn’t gloat about that. See…this coworker, I think…has this know-it-all attitude about…well, a lot. He gets into grad school and suddenly, it seems, he goes from a nice guy to work with to someone who wants to start telling you what to do. Like how to control my dog better.

I really really can’t stress enough that it was just wrong, to rub me the wrong way. I don’t know if the person was kidding or not (though a nice…HA…or an annoying LOL would have been sufficient enough to show me that) or if they were being a jerk.

I password protect the entry though. If you want the password, just ask. Unless you’re the person that I’m kind of pissed at right now. You’re not getting it.

I guess I didn’t want to see all of that energy go to waste…it took me a little time to write that entry…

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So in case you didn’t know or realize…like, if you’re not my friend…you need to realize I’m going through a very craptastic break up situation. And you know what?? I’m very emotional and sometimes…it gets the best of me. To the point where I have trouble functioning. Mostly with big life changes. My parents getting divorced…deaths in the family…my grandmother getting assistance from Jack Kevorkian to end her life…getting into a life threatening car accident….losing your job…learning your boyfriend started up something with someone else before you were DONE.

If that doesn’t make someone feel like crap, well I wouldn’t know what would. If they didn’t feel a thing? Then they are COLD. You don’t have to feel the same type of emotions as I do, but come on. If you didn’t feel ANYTHING???

Maybe he was trying to be helpful (But PS: you can’t word things like that to people you DON’T REALLY KNOW)….but I sincerely hope he grows a pair and apologizes either way. Because to me, it seemed like he doesn’t really understand the severity of the situation.  If he did…he wouldn’t have joked about it…

That’s all. I can’t sleep but I need to go try….

Speaking of bashing. . .I failed to mention yesterday that while Trent was NOT at home (off with his stupid new girlfriend)…I did go to get a few of my things. And bashed a pretty nice picture of us. Too heartbreaking. Especially so because he took down all evidence of “us” and boxed it up and left it in storage with MY things. Er… So, I tored every picture up into tiny smitherings.

I’m attempting to breathe here, but GEEZUS. I feel like I wasted four entire years of my life. FOUR FREAKING YEARS. I didn’t mean anything to him. So…moving on…WHICH FEELS AWKWARD STILL!

I’m going to be ok in the long run. But the bum keeps trying to convince me we can still be great friend. Ok, sure, fine.  SURE! Just keep on drinking whatever it is you’re drinking. Smoking whatever it is you’re smoking.

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I’m not sure why I’m surprised at this whole turn of events. You see…I knew that he had cheated on his ex. Some time before they broke up. And then there was me…I came in at the tail end of things. When I thought the relationship was over.  Turns out. . .even though he and I began to date in JULY. . .he didn’t finalize his break up from her until SEPTEMBER. THE FREAKING JERK.

Why did I think he would be any different with me?? Oh, because I was naive and thought that I could change him. I really thought he liked me…loved me…Don’t get me wrong…Let me say again that I don’t want to get back together with him. You just have to understand the magnitude of the hurt I’m going through right now. . .And the confusion. Heartbreak. Everything…

And that someone??? Would be someone by the name of Trent A. VanSweden. No, I don’t give a crap about saving his identity. You all can find him and strangle him for me if you want.

I just recently sent in my thing to have my address changed and mail forwarded to my new house. But there are still are few things this week that have slipped on past into the mailbox I used to share with Trent. So…I haven’t gotten any of my mail all week. And I wanted to get it today, as I was sure that a bill was waiting for me. A specific one, actually. Instead of just dropping by his house like a jerk, I decided to call him.

And he flipped out at the prospect of me showing up.

Because he had a girl there.

Yep. He did.

He’s known her for awhile. From work. And it seems that he’s already in a new relationship. After less than a week of this relationship being over.  I ask about this…and he replies something along the lines of not having loved me for a long time and wanting to get to know this girl named RHONDA who is a LINE WORKER in the manufacturing plant he works at. SHE’S A FREAKING LINE WORKER. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

I’m not sure this story is plausible and I think he’s lying. I think it’s this other girl who I KNOW has been calling him and writing stupid ass letters to him in the mail. Her name is Lori. Rhonda is a stupid made up name if you ask me.

Or maybe he’s just seeing TWO people. Just OMG.

F-ING BREAK MY HEART, WHY DON”T YA???????

I’m more depressed than ever. And no one will cover my shift for work tomorrow. Bastards.

The dog officially moved into my place as of Wednesday. He will barely ever see Trent again. Maybe once a week at most. Trent really wants to keep watching the dog. Sigh. . .

I’m way too depressed right now. Everything my life once was has FALLEN apart. Which happened fast. I know that we had a more mutual break up than most but it has still been tough for me to deal with the fact over the years that I always loved him more than he loved me.  In my head, it logically sounds right when I say that I deserved so much better and how I should look at this break up as if it was easy because he outright admitted that I deserved more.  It’s been so blatantly obvious that I was the one who had the most emotions as I have been STRUGGLING like never before. Struggling a lot more than him, too, from the looks of it.

Not that he doesn’t have feelings, but he sounds so…composed, like it’s no big deal. We both knew it was going to end so why act all dramatic he wonders out loud a lot. Hello!? I’m THE melodramatic Mel. Ha. . .

I should BE so thankful that he made this whole thing so easy, that he still loves me and wants to be friends.

But at the same time, I am FREAKING FURIOUS. You know why…!?!? Because he’s not upset enough. That’s right. He’s not upset enough for me. There you go.  I want tears, I want drama. I want him to come back to me and ask for a second chance so I can say no. But I at least would have that begging in my pocket.

Passive-aggressive, no?

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I also decided I have way too much time on my hands. Yep. If I had more things to do I would be obsessing a whole lot less. Yep. Can’t wait until school starts!

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I can’t even remember what the five stages of grief are, but I know I’m dealing with them. Ok, I’m a liar. I looked them up: DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE. I can pinpoint at least 5 times a day that I feel each and every one of them.

I sat last night while the ghosts in my head were taunting me. . .And all I can think is “This has got to be a dream. . .There’s no way this is happening.” Denial, baby.

Then anger? Well, let’s see…Calling Trent every name under the sun and telling him I hated him right now. Which makes no sense because all he did?? Was agree with every single one of my points. He was the one that came to his senses and realized I was actually right this time. And he felt terrible. . .because he knew I needed more. And I sat there on the phone AND in person with him and told him off pretty much. I was the one who put my foot down in the first place! This is a prime example that women really are nuts. . .

Bargaining. . .I’m not sure a lot of that is happening. Maybe in my head I wish that I could run back to Trent and back him to give us another chance. I want another chance, etc. But. . .again. It goes back to how I wanted to break free in the first place…and that until my break down a week and a half ago he was the one begging me not to end it. He’s being the strong one in all of this, I’ll be honest. So if I do that…the tables are turned and I look like the fool. Ha.

Depression! Did I mention how much wine I have consumed?? I never have gotten DRUNK folks. But I’ve had a few, k?

Acceptance: The smallest of all of these so far. There are a few moments in which I feel happy about the decision he and I made. Sometimes. . .not so much. . .I’ll get there. . .

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This past weekend, by the way, I spent time with close friends at a pirate party. Just to show you how crazy things got, a bad pic of me. You can’t tell, but I got kind of burnt that day! Ha! This is myself and Anna (if you didn’t notice. . .my hair apparently looks RED in the sun! ugh!). It was a great day when I could get away and have FUN.

Ok, I’m sorry, but a much as I would like to pretend that ALL IS WELL — IT IS NOT.  I feel like garbage.

My stomach? Upset. Sleep? Doesn’t happen. Let’s talk about last night, shall we?? I was EXHAUSTED but went grocery shopping at midnight. And was even more exhausted by the time I got home. I thought this would make for a nice evening of sleeping. SO. . .I get home, put stuff away, and get online and am getting more and more TIRED. Perfect! But. . .the second the lights turned off? I was wide awake.

Folks, I don’t think I fell asleep until 5am or later. I was reading until 4:46am. I couldn’t sleep. The only thing on my mind? Was actually JUST OMG I WANT TO SLEEP SO BAD.

I’m so angry that some people, i.e. my mother. . . think that I should just get up and move on with my life. It is really hard for me to be able to do that. For one, I don’t handle stress well. And having someone out of my life in that romantic sense, is DIFFICULT. I had placed my bets on this relationship. This is the man I thought I was going to marrying, up until a couple of months ago when I finally snapped inside and said screw it.  I’m sorry, but that does not mean I don’t still love him with every fiber of my being. I’m not being crazy or stupid.

Whatever. I’m going to try and get some sleep. Yes. Sleep. At noon.

I’m actually a tad mad at my hair salon this morning. A bit…livid, maybe?? First of all, I did get a great cut and color. And a free cut because the stylist accidently cut my necklace off (my hair is RIGHT at that length. . .Whoop…). Well, at the front counter, there WAS a new girl working at the computer. But the manager was sitting right there and guiding her. So I went through the speal about my haircut being free. Granted, I noticed on the stylist’s ticket that the hair cut WAS scratched off.

I’m mad because 4 hours after I left the place, they call me and told me they forgot to charge me the base color charge. The color was $55, my brows were $13…but apparently, there is a $25 fee as a base? For the stylist/colorist to PUT IT ON!?!?!? REALLY!?!?!?

The lady (who I believe is the SAME office manager that rang me up this morning) was all like…”Um, what do you want to do…?” As in, are you going to come back in today and pay this…? We’ll take credit card over the phone. I mean, I knew the price couldn’t have been right. It costs me an arm and a leg to get my hair highlighted usually. But still.  What do you want me to do with it…? Um, not pay it? I was about to say, “Don’t you remember me!?! Amy broke my NECKLACE?!?! Now I have to find a chain that will probably cost as much as the hair cut and that extra $25.”

Whatever. She was just doing her job. But while I like it there…It’s so…hoity toity, you know? Like, really? You couldn’t afford the $25 and let it slide this time…? Since she broke my necklace?

Whatev! No big deal. I’ll get over it soon…