But it bothers me today.

In class today we got to write goals for a partner in class. My friend Jessica and I wrote goals for each other. And we each wrote a meaningful, measurable goal that we would have to track.

For me…I hate talking on the phone. I don’t like calling people. I don’t like always having to be the one to call people. Seriously. I don’t. It’s exhausting. I’m busy as HELL with life and I always end up having to do all the work in almost every single relationship. Family. Friends. Everyone. I didn’t rant like this at Jessica.  Just to you guys.

Anyway. So my goal is to basically get over that anxious feeling when I pick up the phone to call my friends and family.

“Melissa will call 2 different friends each week for 4 weeks to help her reduce her anxiety of talking to someone on the phone.”

If I have your phone number? I might be calling you!

Blogging has NOT been on my mind lately. In fact, I’m sure you’ve already noticed that by the very little I ever write these days. I recently went on vacation and in the past, I was all gung-ho about getting online when returning home so I could tell everyone all about it. But there’s nothing much to tell. Went to Florida. It was chillier than expected. Ate a lot of bad food. Spent lots of time with the husband. Relaxed a lot. Looked a bit at the local real estate. Came home.

I’ve got nothing else to say and I’m a bit embarrassed about it I guess. I have a lot to do this weekend, which includes catching back up on homework before Monday. And I just don’t have time to blog.

I don’t want to go on a break. And I don’t want to take the blog down. But I feel like blog writing right now is just a chore.

I will write when I want to write, I guess. And while some people get all bored and can’t stand when people only talk about their fitness, diet and weight goals, I think I’ll still choose to talk about that at least weekly on hear.

I just can’t promise more than one entry a week right now. Maybe later.

Just not now.

Be back in one week!

I had fun at the hair stylist today. I asked for red! It’s not as bold actually as I had originally asked for (I wanted something a tad more chunky!) but it looks amazing! Added to the caramel highlights and the dark lowlights I already had? Amazing effect. Something to help put a little sunshine into my anxious life!

And then the worst of the symptoms dissipate.  And I’m left wondering right now why my symptoms of anxiety haven’t gone away just yet. I can’t get into my doctor. I mean, I could early next week if I wanted to. But, oh, wait…Yeah, I’ll be in Floriday. The next available appointment is March 9th.  And I refuse to see any other doctor about this; my doctor UNDERSTANDS ME, DOESN’T LOOK AT ME LIKE I’M CRAZY, and most of all, CARES. Until then I can only hope and pray that I’m able to make it to tomorrow (a long day, by the way, at my internship, when really all I want to do is begin my spring break, like YESTERDAY with all of my other classmates). Then through Saturday for a good friend’s bridal shower, then Sunday through the flight to Florida (OMG, I’m going to need to drug myself up or something if I’m feeling the way I feel RIGHT NOW)…

I can’t stand being such a burden on my husband while I’m dealing with this (he is so good to me, by the way. So understanding…I’m so afraid that I’m going to make him snap….Thank God he has the patience I could never have).  Most of all, I can’t stand that I still have to rely on a pill to get me through life.  But I’ve already seen what it does to me when I’m not on it. And it’s not good.

Here’s an example of what I’m doing tomorrow and Wednesday:

• Call for histories, for fieldwork/internship (school)
• Clean and organize huge supply closet (work)
• Start research and write a Literature Review by Monday (HA!) (school)
• Write a report for assessment done in internship last Friday – must go back to facility to review file to do so. (school)
• Scan a massive 250 page document for an instructor (work)

And that’s not even all of it. I can’t even figure out when to exercise or eat. :p Which is why I mention cheese and bacon…Wouldn’t that be tasty on a baked potato?!

I just need your thoughts and a few hugs. Only 2 more weeks until Spring Break and our honeymoon. I’m not sure I can make it through the next few days….

“The typical bloggers that I notice most often are the same folk that tend to contribute their five-times-a-day Twitter and Facebook updates, all regarding topics that further profess how self-centered they really are. And for some odd reason people actually pay attention to these self-important ramblings.”

and I want to answer these questions, kind of:

“What is so intriguing? Why does a complete stranger even care? And why do they decide to post comments as if they have known the writer for years?”

Blogging, to some, is just NOT understood…So this is what it is for me….

For me, I began my online journaling probably around 10 or more years ago while I was in highschool. My desire to journal on paper had bored me, for some reason and I wanted to try out something new. At the time, I was a lot more frightened of being found by people I know, so I penned by thoughts under an anonymous name, changing the names of people I wrote about. It was relatively censored in what I shared with the world and it was enjoyable for me even though there was no one reading it.  But I was reading and commenting on the sites of Beverly, Jen, and Allura (when she used to blog!) for as long as I could remember….

I later moved my thoughts into communities such as Diaryland (2000ish – 2002?) and LiveJournal (2004). It wasn’t until I moved into these communities that I found others who were writing about “stuff” like I was. I usually didn’t comment a whole lot except to give some bloggers encouragement when they were going through rough times in their life, or needed advice, or needed to hear that they weren’t alone in this world.

That’s what blogging community became to me. I went through a lot of rough things over the years. College wasn’t always my thing, my parents split, a tough breakup with someone I loved very much (I had some growing up to do and needed to do it alone), dating someone who was…well, I wonder if he was bipolar, to be honest…that relationship turned abusive, I struggled with anxiety and subsequent depression. Not to mention dealing with being on medications and the resulting weight gain (that did NOTHING for my anxiety, to be honest).  I didn’t necessarily need anyone’s feedback on this. But what I found were people who were dealing with the exact same things, and had been there. Or maybe was close to someone else who had.  So I was able to help them. And they were able to help me.

I also found a lot of mid-20 somethings who were all struggling with self-identity, not being able to figure out what they wanted for themselves. Those who also wanted love to be a part of their life. Those who had found love. Those who were started to figure things out.  Some who loved dachshunds just as much as I did. I don’t even know how Ben found me to make me a part of Who’s Your Dachshund, but I like being part of such a unique project.

Over the years, I really have built strong friendships. I mean, these are real frienships. Like the one I have with Courtney, who was in my wedding last year. She means the world to me! Granted, I don’t know all the details of everyone’s life. But the thing is…We’re friends…and we’ve found a way to keep track of each other. Maybe we do babble about the silly little things in life.  Some might find the babblings worthless. In fact, there are a few people I used to follow that I stopped following because frankly, they got annoying. It gets annoying when someone writes about the same exact thing day in and day out. Or maybe they wrote something that I found offensive…that didn’t connect with me.  The friends I share life with online are people that I feel connected to — we have a lot in common.  These are also the friends that I have “conversations” with throughout the day on Twitter.

Maybe one day I’ll grow out of this.  Maybe not. And I’m sure my friendships online will grow or change as time goes by, as I change and grow. But I will always encourage one thing… If you grow tired of my babble? You can feel free to unfollow. No feelings hurt!  Seriously. If I’m boring or appearing too self-centered, you’re welcome to leave any time. I’ve told many that who wanted to talk crap about me.

To sum it up, as I’ve been all over the place throughout this entry (I’m at work and can only work on this for a few minutes at a time!)…. I blog for my own personal sanity and its a part of keeping in contact with friends…people that I really HAVE known for awhile — even if it is not in person. That’s pretty much it.

Why do YOU write? Do tell.

I’m not sure I trust it, to be honest.  I went to the doctor today as this flu thing has moved into an upper respiratory infection. Feeling fabulous over here, I am.  Well, I’m being weighed….and the nurse says 152! I’m excited! I’m wearing yoga pants, tshirt, fleece sweatshirt, heavy socks, etc. About 1-2 pounds of clothes, me thinks. I hadn’t yet eaten anything (I was in there early and not feeling well has left me not wanting to eat much) yet. So I go home to the Wii to weight myself on that. I was…er…in the nude, this time around. Wearing…nada. Anyway…it tells me that I’m 152.4.

How can that be possible?!? I was completely naked. Yet I weighed more at home than at the doctor’s office where I was fully dressed! I took the board off the carpet and took off it’s little feet so it laid flat on the hardwood floor and even then it register as 152.1. I don’t get it. Do my clothes not weigh a thing??

I get too obsessed with a number…But I am also tired of staying around 150-152 lately. Which is better than the 154 I was at Christmas and all. But even by the end of February last year, I was around 145. I need to get back there. But I need to get rid of the scale. I HAVE to get rid of my scale habits. I know it’s important to stay motivated sometimes….to use the scale. But for me, it screws me up, mentally…

I also need to stop getting discouraged when I don’t get immediate results from workouts. My body is looking pretty good, if I can say so myself. I got really great feedback from people recently that I haven’t seen in a long time. I certainly don’t LOOK this weight. And I don’t really feel it either.  But I know I can be in a better place and this year has barely begun…It’s too early to get discouraged! I have lost ABOUT 10 pounds since October. That feels good. I may not reach my goal of 130 this year…But I KNOW I’m going to make it to 140. I KNOW it.

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In other random news, Dan left town for a work conference today. He’ll be back tomorrow…not even a big deal. But he left in the morning…just as a winter storm was rolling into town. Which means, I lost my shoveling guy. I have no problem shoveling, don’t get me wrong, but I’m barely over this flu / upper respiratory infection. I’m not supposed to be doing a lot of heavy stuff, you know?? I think Dan had mentioned trying to get a plow, but that never happened. So he texts me this morning and asks if I want to try to use the snow-thrower.  But then he never sends me instructions for how to use it. I can usually figure that stuff out, you know? I know how to use most tools and can certainly run a lawn mower. This can’t be that much different, right? Except it was insanely confusing. And it’s temperamental. Then again, I don’t know if other machines also work this way… But it turned out there were a few more knobs than I was aware of… Ok, long story short, I was in TEARS, practically bawling. It was freezing outside. Dan wasn’t answering any texts. I couldn’t get it to stay started! He finally called me and I was so upset that he could barely understand me. Poor Dan. It’s his birthday. The big 3-0…And he was stuck at a work thing…listening to be bawl on the phone.

I got frustrated and hung up on him. And finally got it started almost a minute after that. I did a BAD job. And it was much harder than I expected! Blah! I did convince Dan to find a plow for me. He just wants me to get better! Love love love him so much!!

And boy….What I would give to feel good enough to drink a bottle of wine right now. 

I feel like I was hit by a bus. I have had some funky viruses and sinus infections over the last year, but this?? This??? Holy crap. I have the worst bug I have had in ages.  It started Saturday. The day I had planned Dan’s 30th birthday party.  I woke up feeling kind of tired and blah, but I shook it off. Except that I had this horrible sore throat starting. It was aching and scratchy and my body was beginning to feel out of it.  But I pushed through. Dan’s parents were coming down and we had people driving up at least an hour to be there.  And it was a great get together. It was fun to talk and joke with people I don’t get to see all that often. It felt great! My throat was still killing me, but I was having a good time and I just ignored it. Ordered a few gin & tonics (or vodka tonics), had some amazing appetizers and this spicy pasta that made my throat burn in a bad AND good way. Then the cake. Oh, the cake. I drove an hour on Thursday just to get this amazing cake, from this place called The Flour Shop. If they had been closer, they would have been the place I got my cake for the wedding. It was completely worth the one hour drive. I’m not a HUGE fan of their chocolate cake, but it is what Dan wanted. I had this cake for my bridal shower…And it is so light, fluffy, not at all heavy. The icing? Light as a FEATHER! It almost has a whip cream like consistency. 

We were only out a few hours, and by the time the evening ended? I finally FELT it. Granted, the alcohol probably helped with the crummy feeling, but oh my goodness, the second we got into the car, I felt sick.  It’s a sick that leaves me feeling very happy to just STAY in bed. I did yesterday, pretty much. I stayed in bed until about 11 or 12. Laid there with a book for awhile. Got up around….3? maybe? Watched some DVR’D What Not to Wear. Laid down some more. Came back to the living room to watch a little of the super bowl and the commericals (I was so disappointed at how crappy they were this year). I went BACK to bed at half time, the Colts were winning and I was happy. I had gotten through the day. Sore throat and stuffy nose. Couldn’t get worse than that, right?

Wrong. Woke up at 4am today. I hurt. Everywhere. EVERYTHING. I decided around 5:30 to jump in the shower to see if I could relax and I’m NOT joking — the water hurt.  Hurt as it hit my skin, hurt as it hit my hair. HURT.  I took some more medicine, emailed my professors to say I would NOT be in classes today and I was back to bed until cloose to noon today. I’m just up right now to eat a little bit and then I’m kicking back on the couch. I DVR’d Mean Girls on Saturday and I think I’ll fall asleep this afternoon to that.

Dan is leaving this afternoon (or in the morning? I can’t remember) for some work conference…I really hope that he stays healthy.  Whatever it is that I have? It’s super contagious, I’m afraid. I think I picked it up on Thursday…Went to see some family on Thursday when I was down getting the cake.  Family that was getting over being sick. First my aunt, then my cousin, then my uncle..I only saw the aunt and cousin on Thursday and they seemed to be feeling better…But you never know how long germs chill out in the air. Even if she DID lysol and clorox wipe the place like crazy.  I really think it’s the same because my symptoms came on exactly like theirs. Sore throat. Stuffy, runny nose. Body aches. NO FEVER.  How is that even possible? To have all this without a fever? My temp actually could qualify for low grade fever; I run a 97F regularly, and hit around 99F yesterday.

Anyway, Dan has been the perfect little husband, lysoling this and that, wiping EVERYTHING down that I may have touched. Sleeping on the guest bed to stay away from the germies.  And that’s about it. I need to lay down now. I have been sitting up way too long.

Nothing is wrong, but I am a little overwhelmed with school right now.

Be back next Monday!