I have no idea when it started up again.  Could be the fact that I stopped taking my ADHD medication…which normally wouldn’t bother some…But its not a stimulant…It’s more of a med that screws around with your neurotransmitters. Which is the reason I was taking it…It’s shown to help those who have anxiety because of their ADHD. I don’t know why I even stopped taking it though. Maybe because around the time I had that upper respiratory infection, I just didn’t want to pop ONE MORE PILL. Then I eventually just forgot to take it. Needless to say within a week, I had episodes of IBS and anxiety that made me nearly completely fall apart.  So I started it back up again…And I had forgotten the evil side effects of the first week back on something like that. Anxiety attacks. Heart racing. Stomach in knots, unable to eat because I’m so afraid I’m going to get sick. Thinking not so great thoughts, having moments of depression and than rage.

And then the worst of the symptoms dissipate.  And I’m left wondering right now why my symptoms of anxiety haven’t gone away just yet. I can’t get into my doctor. I mean, I could early next week if I wanted to. But, oh, wait…Yeah, I’ll be in Floriday. The next available appointment is March 9th.  And I refuse to see any other doctor about this; my doctor UNDERSTANDS ME, DOESN’T LOOK AT ME LIKE I’M CRAZY, and most of all, CARES. Until then I can only hope and pray that I’m able to make it to tomorrow (a long day, by the way, at my internship, when really all I want to do is begin my spring break, like YESTERDAY with all of my other classmates). Then through Saturday for a good friend’s bridal shower, then Sunday through the flight to Florida (OMG, I’m going to need to drug myself up or something if I’m feeling the way I feel RIGHT NOW)…

I can’t stand being such a burden on my husband while I’m dealing with this (he is so good to me, by the way. So understanding…I’m so afraid that I’m going to make him snap….Thank God he has the patience I could never have).  Most of all, I can’t stand that I still have to rely on a pill to get me through life.  But I’ve already seen what it does to me when I’m not on it. And it’s not good.

Yes, that’s right. I am 156 pounds. I am 5′4″ and 156 pounds. And that disgusts and frustrates me. I was at my highest last January, at 153, then got down to 145 by March. Then the harder I worked, the harder my body fought back, gaining back every single pound THEN some. I am near my scary number of 160 pounds. It used to be 150 pounds, but I surpassed that didn’t I?

I do NOT care what I look like to the rest of you. I know you think I look good and healthy. But I don’t look that good to my own self. I am at LEAST 15 pounds overweight for my height.

In a fit of frustration and fear, just to double check, I even took a pregnancy test. It was negative, of course, but I just wanted that one fear gone. Ha….

In all seriousness, I know in my head that it is because when I lost that weight early in the year? I had quit taking an anti-depressant. End of  March? I went back on one. A different one, but an SSRi just the same.   I have now been off of that same pill a month. With no change in weight. None. Nada. Nothing happening. Not gaining or anything. But certainly not losing.  I have tried the dieting, I have trying just exercising, and then I have done the combo platter plan.

The only thing I could think of was that I’m just not doing anything correctly. I may THINK I’m eating correctly…But what if I’m not? Am I eating too much? Am I eating too little?? WTF?

Finally, after nearly bawling at the doctor office yesterday, while there just to have my sinuses checked out and such…I was so distraught over my weight. She suggested maybe I see a nutritionist. I ended up making an appointment to see the clinic nutritionist for this afternoon. But before going, all I could think about was “WHY?”. Why was I going to see her, I mean, why was I bothering to do that? I know how to eat right, don’t I??

It was a struggle to talk when I went to see her that day. I guess I’m on the right track, but I don’t eat enough of the right foods. She also talked to me about the fact that with those medications? Remember how it can take 4-8 weeks before your body adjusts to being on them? Well, it can apparently take that long for them to get out of your system as well, and for your body to adjust.

I left there with a lot of new tools in hand and plans to see her again in a few weeks. Tracking my diet, pushing to make sure I have eaten a consistent calorie intake on a daily basis. HOLY COW. 1500 is what she gave me to go on. I don’t know if I can eat that much. The number seems so high…SO high.  But apparently…Erm…It’s not. Did you actually know that the recommended calorie intake for an adult woman is 2000?

The whole point is to find my body’s happy point. Eating loads of healthy, non-processed foods, and regular exercise (gotta push that number up up up…the days I exercise I mean) and my body will adjust. She told me that I am to NOT focus on that number on the scale for awhile. I need to focus on how my clothes feel and my measurements and things, which I was trying to do already…I have a lot of hope that I’ll get back on track, eventually.

But even feeling good walking out of there, I’m still down and depressed. My wedding is in less than 3 weeks. And I’m not at all as thin as I had hoped. I would give anything to be back at 145. Why was I complaining when I was at 145?? WHY!?

A lot of people say that a number doesn’t matter, but to me? It does. It makes me feel soooo lowly. So fat. And after getting off a scale, I can not think of anything else when I look in the mirror. I can only think of the terrible number. The terrible terrible number.

And I don’t want to feel this way in a little over 2 weeks. I don’t want to feel FAT before my wedding. I want to enjoy my day and not worry about the way I look in the mirror…I want to look in the mirror and know how beautiful I really am.

After seeing the nutritionist a few times, she’s going to be referring me over to the health coach, because obviously? I’ve got a lot of things wrong with my head, emotions, etc, when it comes to food, weight, and the like….

I clearly have way too much time on my hands. Oh, wait! Semester is over! Woot!  Because a recent commenter failed to give me an actual REAL email, I’m going to address it on here, as it is quite clear that I have a new lurker in my midst. Personally, I think lurkers who don’t always give you all the information? Is kind of fun.  It’s a little bit of an adventure. You can find out so much with the internet. Quite scary, actually. Anywho, I believe I figured out the first name of my lurker, but to be nice and remain all private like, and because I am in no way mad at this person….They certainly do have a valid point, which is why I chose to address it.

“You seem to be a bit of a hypochondriac.  Do you realize how often you complain about aches, pains, and nuisances, real or perceived?  I’ll tell you – it’s A LOT.  Maybe you need to work on changing your perspective on life.  Dwell on the good things – not the bad ones.  If you are always looking for something to complain about – you will find it.”

First of all. It is very clear that this person doesn’t know me in real life. Even those of you who I interact with a little outside the blog (on other online outlets, for instance)…or those of you who have been following me for YEARS…Know a different side of me.

Anyway, kudos on pointing out that I am a bit negative. A round of applause for you! I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a hypochondric though.

“Hypochondriasis (or hypochondria, sometimes referred to as health phobia) refers to an excessive preoccupation or worry about having a serious illness. Often, hypochondria persists even after a physician has evaluated a person and reassured them that their concerns about symptoms do not have an underlying medical basis or, if there is a medical illness, the concerns are far in excess of what is appropriate for the level of disease.” (via wikipedia)

Over the years, I will admit that I had a few moments where I was a bit of one. Over the last 5-7 years, I’ve been through a lot. Divorcing parents, abusive (physical and verbal) relationship, losing jobs, feeling as though I have lost my identity…I mean, seriously, for a lot of years, I felt like I didn’t even really know who I was, what I wanted to do with my life, and if I wanted to live it at all. That’s the truth. I have a hard time being 100% positive all the time. I really do. During the time I was in my abusive relationship, you bet I was a hypochondriac. I developed the worst nausea and stomach problems you could think of. I miss so much work, I went right on through my sick leave and vacation time for the sickness and the tests that ended up telling me that it was probably only stress induced IBS. But believe you me. I was scared it was other things.

My recent drama with medications?? I’m sorry, but unless you have been on them and have literally had a rough time on them, you have no idea.  I wish that anything that my anxiety and the ADD that causes it were FAKE. I wish to God every single night of my life that he would just take all this away so I could be NORMAL.  I DO want to be on medication. I really do. I don’t want this ridiculous thing to be the end of me.

My father has chronic depression. He has had it his entire life. At some points in his life when he was not getting the help that he needed, he was suicidal. I don’t want to be like that.

Then you can take a look at Marjorie Wantz.  In 1991 she committed suicide with the help of doctor Kevorkian. She was a crazy lady in the end, but she was someone I loved dearly. She was my father’s mother.  She had serious depression issues as well.

The thing is…I don’t want to be either one of those people. I cry often over it, because I don’t. I hate how people talk about her, for instance, and it’s all pity. I don’t want to be pitied.  I am out there getting the help I NEED and the help I can afford to get. They were both people who started off with anxiety problems and fell flat on their faces as depression took a hold of their lives. My father is not at all in the same place my grandmother was. The thing is…”mental” disorders are being proven to be passed on genetically. I am pretty certain that I got a little bit of it.

But that doesn’t mean I LIKE it!!! Do you think I like being on medications?? Holy crap. Do you think I like therapy? It’s the biggest waste of time and I have had a lot of trouble staying motivated to keep going. Medications, when you first get on them, are hell. You lose all sense of self and who you are. YOU FEEL WEIRD. You are light  headed, dizzy, nauseated, unable to eat or sleep, or have SEX like a normal individual.  If it makes me a hypochondriac to google normal side effects for medication, you’re delusional. Just saying.  I’m sorry, but I WOULD like to know when it would be time to rush me to the ER or call my doctor. Seriously.

And if you think I’m a hypochondriac for the whole ADHD thing?? I will laugh in your face.

Since 2003, myself and my doctor has been searching for an actual cause and solution to my innate failure at beating anxiety. True, some people will never completely get rid of it, but I don’t want it to be a daily or weekly thing. If I could get away with only one panic attack a month, I’d be celebrating. Do you think I enjoyed going through the ADHD teshing? Heavens no. It was a three part process, not including 3 follow up appointments with my family doctor. It’s lengthy, time consuming, and costs way too much.

I’m in school for something medical, as you know, and have learned tricks in the ways of research. I now have access to databases I had never had before. Now I don’t necessarily have to google each and every little tiny thing. I can look up the “WHY” of my anxiety. I wanted and still want answers. I’m not trying to find something wrong with me. I already know that SOMETHING isn’t right. But I’m trying to find the exact cause.  At least I’m not running around all afraid that I have some rare cancer, a tumor, or a heart defect or something.

After talking a lot with family and friends and my fiance…I made the decision to be tested for ADHD. There is a high comorbidity rate of anxiety with ADHD. It turns out that I have shown signs and symptoms of this annoyance since I was a kid.

I hope not to be on medication forever for this, but it will help me get started in the short term. I’m going to be reading a lot of books, research, and talking to a therapist in the long term to help me develop stress management techniques, better organizational skills, and ways that can help me do better in grad school. I want to succeed in life.

Things are turning a bit more positive in my life, that’s for sure. I have a wonderful supportive man in my life for instance, and many friends and family who know how hard this can be. And even if they have nothing to say, no advice that they can give, then fine. If I know that they are in support of me, it gives me that much more motivation to keep trying to find the answers. I’m also doing wonderfully in school, so I know that the work I am putting into this is working. That’s another affirmation for me to stay motivated.

Last but not least…If you don’t like my point of view and my complaining, don’t read it. No one is forcing you to. If you think I’m interested and are sticking around feel free! You are all certainly entitled to your opinions…Though I’m usually someone who responds better to a more constructive criticism.  My commenter probably meant well, but it came off as bitchy.

Most of all….I don’t give a crap if no one ever visited here. It’s nice that people do, so that I can enjoy the friendships and similar experiences that others out there are going through. But this blog is for ME. Not to entertain any of you. I mean, sometimes I love sharing jokes, and pictures and things that keep people interested….But it’s not something I do all that often.

I don’t complain that much on the outside. People don’t like whiners and complainers. If someone specifically asks me how I am or if I’m feeling ok, normally its because they can tell something is wrong. I might tell them and then again, I might only tell them just a teeny bit or I’ll write it off as nothing.  I come here to do all my whining and complaining for me. I don’t like to write in a paper journal, I have a lot to say sometimes and don’t like my hand going numb. But seriously. This is my nice little sanctuary.

And I will say this…I am definitely not the only blogger out there who tends to write more negatively than things really are. Remember, blogs are a way for us all to vent. We  each vent in different ways. We all have different things going on in our lives.

Don’t judge. Or I’ll start judging you for your secrecy. If you’re that concerned about me as a person and my negativity, get to know me if you want to someone affect my life.

That’s all I’m going to say for now about that.

- – -

I am on day 2 of my new medication. And the side effects I have so far are in par with the things my doctor and I talked about as well as the information the pharmacy has given me.  It’s always good to know the potential side effects you will experience so you can rightfully prepare for them.

I want to thank everyone who has been supportive towards me. Many of you have followed me for awhile and know the personal ups and downs I’ve gone through. You’ve been there for me to talk to me by email, even if it had nothing to do what we were blogging about today. Thanks for making me laugh. And thank you for sharing your life with me. I appreciate it so much, you have no idea. You know, in case you thought I was so negative that I didn’t even really appreciate those that surround me with care and understanding.

Most of all….Thanks for being my friends and at least pretending to not judge me. Lol…

PS:  I have used the term FMP way too often this week. Thank you, Courtney.

I. Am. Exhausted. And so ready to talk about this!  You remember that I had gotten screen for ADHD. And that I have it. No doubt about it. However, I didn’t really agree with the psychiatrist attempts to tell me that my anxiety causes ADHD.  I have done a ton of research over the last few months, as well as tracking when my anxiety actually happens. I didn’t find a lot of information about anxiety causing it…but I did read a lot about how someone with ADHD actually could cause anxiety. That it is not unusual for the two to be present together.

I went back to my primary/family doctor…To talk to her about everything. After talking with her, we agreed that it is best that I be taken off the SSRIs and attempt to see what an ADHD med will do for me. I love that my nurse practioner sits and TALKS to you about your concerns and goes over everything. I got my medical records from the screening sent over to her and I see her again on Tuesday to confirm that I will be exploring treatment for ADHD versus anxiety.

For years, I’ve been wasting a lot of time and money treating anxiety. But it always felt like there was never a good enough reason for having anxiety. I don’t have general anxiety. I’m not a HUGE worry wart. I don’t worry obsessively about anything really, except for homework, when I procrastinate…because thanks to my ADHD, I do. A lot. As well as struggle with organizational skills. THAT’S what gets me going.

I have plans to see a new therapist that is geared more toward my newer goals. I’m excited. I’m not excited about going on a new med, but I think its wise while I transition. Keep me on your mind. I need  a lot of support. Again.

I am finally closer to understanding my anxiety issues. Turns out I am without a doubt a very anxious person. With a really bad case of ADHD. No really. It’s officially true. I went through three different screening tests, then met today finally with the psychiatrist, almost two months after going to the doctor to start figuring this all out!

The shrink was quite nice, very kind, and although I was quite stressed and nervous at first, he put me at ease. We talked about what prompted me to come for screening in the first place. The cues people gave me, concern about me, and even talked about my childhood, which is when I was first showing ADD symptoms (kindergarten, actually! they took sugar mostly out of my diet because I was a bit hyperactive).

We also talked about the screenings.  They both showed inattentive tendencies and the one that measured hyperactivity? Was alarming, actually, for me. Ok, look. I never really felt like I was all THAT bad! I didn’t feel like I even really had this!

Anyway, the whole thing is this….I have anxiety problems. I have ADHD. They can’t give me medication for ADHD right now because they are stimulants and it will aggravate my anxiety! So…I’ve been switched from prozac to zoloft. Apparently, prozac is not really useful for anxiety. Who knew…. Also, zoloft has had less problems with weight gain.

I also start seeing a counselor about different stress management techniques, organization techniques, as well as different ways to more effectively do homework and study. I feel great. I mean, I know that there is a long road ahead of me.

Especially since I’ve gained 9 pounds since October. Since I went back on prozac. I have been trying so hard to lose weight, but we’re pretty sure it’s the prozac that has been the problem. UGH. 9 POUNDS. Must take care of that problem.

Along with…*gulp*…..birth control pills.

So not only am I going off of prozac. I’m also going off of birth control. Which I’m ok with. Dan and I will deal with that isse. We are positive that we can handle this.  It’s only an experiment for a few months, actually….going off of birth control. Since going on birth control regularly…what….6 years ago? I have steadily gained weight.

YES, it could be a part of getting older. But come on! It can’t hurt to experiment. Especially when you have a PLAN.

The doctor says to keep exercising and eating right. The weight WILL come off. It will. It’s really been a miracle that I haven’t gained MORE. If I hadn’t been exercising and eating better, I could have gained 20 pounds or more. Some people do!

Right now, though…I’m healthy. I’m not considered overweight, according to him. My blood pressure is phenomenally low. I’m good. I’m good.  I walk/jog, or walk/run a three days a week. I do pilates twice a week.  I’m keeping my sinuses under control. I’m doing GREAT.

That will happen for me. Now that I think we have finally figured out the combination.

I hope we have gotten closer, at least.