I feel horrible and can’t decide what feels worse. . .Feeling lonely while actually with someone . . .or feeling lonely when I am NOT with a someone. Because even if I was lonely with him. . .I still had someone there to hold me if I felt sad. Like now. . .I am sad and have no one here to hold me. . . .

It really has been a good day. After a bad conversation last night at 2AM from Trent, in which I got called a “crazy psycho b*tch” (I have no idea…)…I actually woke up feeling ok.  Decent. I woke up first at 9:30am. . . checked my email by using the cell phone…Mr. N emailed to tell me he was going to call today!! Yay! I thought I’d doze for a few more minutes…Closed my eyes…

Woke up at 12:37pm. @#$&@* WHAT!? Granted, I haven’t slept well lately with everything going on so it was probably very needed, but I was due to be at a friend’s house at about 2pm. :p I didn’t get there until 3 or so. My dog was acting psychotic with her German Sheperd puppy.  He would instigate playing…then would freak out at her. Whatever.  In the middle of the madness — I missed Mr. N’s call. I proceeded to flip out…waiting waiting…why didn’t he leave a voice message at least?? Oh, there it is! Call it….and he promised to call again later as he was sure I did not pick up due to the crazy number that had shown up (10 digits, actually).

When he called an hour later, I felt really darn good about it. We talked for about 17 minutes. Yes, I checked! We had only talked about 5 minutes or so back in May. Since then, he has been insanely busy and we struggle to keep up with email. Stupid US Army for holding him “hostage” like that in Iraq. Grr…

He gets home in 90 days or so! I’ll be putting a little countdown thing on my sidebar today or tomorrow. Yes, I’m a dork, but I want a reminder! He’ll be home in November or so. Then come early next year, he will be living up in this area as he continues work for the Army. He is supposed to leave for California at some point to work on training to become an Arabic translator…but I’d like to think he will change his mind about that. I told him that it would be nice to have him up here…But I couldn’t promise I’d see him much as I would have 18 credit hours that semester…But he said “That’s what the weekend is for!”

I’m going to be ok with this whole…Trent thing. Because I think my next big thing is right around the corner. While it may be MONTHS AND MONTHS away…I think Mr. N is going to become a pivotal part of my life…

We shall see.  I need time to rebuild my crappily-emptied heart….In the meantime…I’m just out to have FUN.

I know it’s not going to change the outcome of my craptastic breakup. . .But Trent’s sister called me today to tell me how sorry she was, how badly she still wanted to chat with me and be my friend…and I felt so BAD. Because she wanted to know…more. So, I told her as little as possible. But I told her the truth. Just four days after we broke up, I found he had another woman at his place (and I confirmed with him later that it was the woman he had a past with…someone who is JUST getting out of an abusive marraige and has two kid…I know he’s lonely, but…ok, whatever. No more bashing Trent for the moment.). That I had found out he had been talking to her for about a month prior to that.  That he had done to me, I felt, what he had done to his ex. To which I got “Thank goodness you learned that NOW before you married him!” It was a little too delightful to hear that. I know that blood is thicker than water, but it feels good to get it out to a member of HIS family. I wasn’t trying to bash him. I gave details that were the truth and he couldn’t lie about it.

I still feel crappy about it all, but I’m getting better each day. Finding out that he was already looking for someone new was VERY difficult to handle, but it made it just that much easier. Mostly because he doesn’t think he did ANYTHING wrong.  He doen’t think I should be in shock…should feel hurt. None of that. I’m not supposed to have any feelings.

And among the people who has urged me to find a new therapist…he has been the biggest cheerleader. I think he thinks that if I see a therapist, that they’re going to tell me I’m being completely irrational.

Oh, suck it! Lol…

- - -

I went on a date last night. Kind of. Lol….It was only with the Chef. Dinner at The Union and then a movie - Pineapple Expresss. Fantastic movie! Oh, and fantastic food…and a delish mango mojito. We also had gone for a bike ride earlier in the day. That was totally impromptu. I had left something in his car the evening before when a group of us went out — Brandy is in town! So I had plans to swing by his place (a very cool downtown apartment!) as I was going to be around town on a bike ride.  I spent all day dinking around…and about two minutes from his place, the dark clouds that had been looming in the sky began to give warning…and by the time I was ringing his door bell it was DUMPING bunkets of rain on me! Thank goodness for the awning at the door. I chilled for a little bit, had lunch, and then when the sun came out, we rode around for about 30 minutes…Racing a bit around town. Then came back and made plans for the evening.

I have a lot of fun with him. But I don’t…feel anything when I’m with him, you know? Besides being attracted to his fantastic smile. Seriously, I’ve known him and seen him off and on for the last almost 4 months (at mutual friend functions folks)…and nothing. . .But I have a feeling he feels the opposite…

I’m not ready for anything right now…It was probably too early to go hang out with someone. Shoot, what am I talking about. . .Trent didn’t feel any guilt. Why should I????

I got a kiss goodnight. It was nice. But…

- - -

I have no way to finish that thought.

I would like to begin my dreams of finding someone new…But I want to vomit everytime I hear a love song that I used to love. . .

It’s going to be a new day.

No more whining.

No more wishing I could beat up a coworker for seemingly being a heartless prick(er…don’t know if I can get rid of that feeling right away).

No calling Trent to leave evil messages on his phone about how he moved on too quick.

NO MORE OBSESSING about why my relationship didn’t work. It didn’t work. I knew it wasn’t going to.  Someday, I will talk to that man again without getting the urge to poke his eyes out or training the dog to bite his balls (ha!).

No more being lazy about working out. I’ve gained a few more pound over the last few weeks over this incident…I’m kind of an emotional eater….

NO MORE EMOTIONAL EATING.

No more letting jerks PISS ME OFF with their nonchalant ways of telling me to get over it (Hello, Mother).

Last but not least….

NO MORE LETTING TRENT GET THE BEST OF ME. HE IS NOT GETTING ONE MORE TEAR. NO WAY.

Ok, I’m sorry, but a much as I would like to pretend that ALL IS WELL — IT IS NOT.  I feel like garbage.

My stomach? Upset. Sleep? Doesn’t happen. Let’s talk about last night, shall we?? I was EXHAUSTED but went grocery shopping at midnight. And was even more exhausted by the time I got home. I thought this would make for a nice evening of sleeping. SO. . .I get home, put stuff away, and get online and am getting more and more TIRED. Perfect! But. . .the second the lights turned off? I was wide awake.

Folks, I don’t think I fell asleep until 5am or later. I was reading until 4:46am. I couldn’t sleep. The only thing on my mind? Was actually JUST OMG I WANT TO SLEEP SO BAD.

I’m so angry that some people, i.e. my mother. . . think that I should just get up and move on with my life. It is really hard for me to be able to do that. For one, I don’t handle stress well. And having someone out of my life in that romantic sense, is DIFFICULT. I had placed my bets on this relationship. This is the man I thought I was going to marrying, up until a couple of months ago when I finally snapped inside and said screw it.  I’m sorry, but that does not mean I don’t still love him with every fiber of my being. I’m not being crazy or stupid.

Whatever. I’m going to try and get some sleep. Yes. Sleep. At noon.

Trent said the one thing I wasn’t ready to hear just yet…Even if it was true.

“Mel, I’m so sad right now. . . *long pause*. . .you deserve so much more than what I can give you.”

I knew it wasn’t going to work out. But it’s so not easy. For either of us. I can’t go one day without shedding a tear…or a hundred. We both know it’s ending and it’s killing the two of us. I can’t sleep…I can’t eat…Neither can he. But we know it’s not going to work.

IT IS SO FREAKING HARD TO MAINTAIN SANITY RIGHT NOW.