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I can’t even remember what the five stages of grief are, but I know I’m dealing with them. Ok, I’m a liar. I looked them up: DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE. I can pinpoint at least 5 times a day that I feel each and every one of them.

I sat last night while the ghosts in my head were taunting me. . .And all I can think is “This has got to be a dream. . .There’s no way this is happening.” Denial, baby.

Then anger? Well, let’s see…Calling Trent every name under the sun and telling him I hated him right now. Which makes no sense because all he did?? Was agree with every single one of my points. He was the one that came to his senses and realized I was actually right this time. And he felt terrible. . .because he knew I needed more. And I sat there on the phone AND in person with him and told him off pretty much. I was the one who put my foot down in the first place! This is a prime example that women really are nuts. . .

Bargaining. . .I’m not sure a lot of that is happening. Maybe in my head I wish that I could run back to Trent and back him to give us another chance. I want another chance, etc. But. . .again. It goes back to how I wanted to break free in the first place…and that until my break down a week and a half ago he was the one begging me not to end it. He’s being the strong one in all of this, I’ll be honest. So if I do that…the tables are turned and I look like the fool. Ha.

Depression! Did I mention how much wine I have consumed?? I never have gotten DRUNK folks. But I’ve had a few, k?

Acceptance: The smallest of all of these so far. There are a few moments in which I feel happy about the decision he and I made. Sometimes. . .not so much. . .I’ll get there. . .

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This past weekend, by the way, I spent time with close friends at a pirate party. Just to show you how crazy things got, a bad pic of me. You can’t tell, but I got kind of burnt that day! Ha! This is myself and Anna (if you didn’t notice. . .my hair apparently looks RED in the sun! ugh!). It was a great day when I could get away and have FUN.

Ok, I’m sorry, but a much as I would like to pretend that ALL IS WELL — IT IS NOT.  I feel like garbage.

My stomach? Upset. Sleep? Doesn’t happen. Let’s talk about last night, shall we?? I was EXHAUSTED but went grocery shopping at midnight. And was even more exhausted by the time I got home. I thought this would make for a nice evening of sleeping. SO. . .I get home, put stuff away, and get online and am getting more and more TIRED. Perfect! But. . .the second the lights turned off? I was wide awake.

Folks, I don’t think I fell asleep until 5am or later. I was reading until 4:46am. I couldn’t sleep. The only thing on my mind? Was actually JUST OMG I WANT TO SLEEP SO BAD.

I’m so angry that some people, i.e. my mother. . . think that I should just get up and move on with my life. It is really hard for me to be able to do that. For one, I don’t handle stress well. And having someone out of my life in that romantic sense, is DIFFICULT. I had placed my bets on this relationship. This is the man I thought I was going to marrying, up until a couple of months ago when I finally snapped inside and said screw it.  I’m sorry, but that does not mean I don’t still love him with every fiber of my being. I’m not being crazy or stupid.

Whatever. I’m going to try and get some sleep. Yes. Sleep. At noon.

I’m actually a tad mad at my hair salon this morning. A bit…livid, maybe?? First of all, I did get a great cut and color. And a free cut because the stylist accidently cut my necklace off (my hair is RIGHT at that length. . .Whoop…). Well, at the front counter, there WAS a new girl working at the computer. But the manager was sitting right there and guiding her. So I went through the speal about my haircut being free. Granted, I noticed on the stylist’s ticket that the hair cut WAS scratched off.

I’m mad because 4 hours after I left the place, they call me and told me they forgot to charge me the base color charge. The color was $55, my brows were $13…but apparently, there is a $25 fee as a base? For the stylist/colorist to PUT IT ON!?!?!? REALLY!?!?!?

The lady (who I believe is the SAME office manager that rang me up this morning) was all like…”Um, what do you want to do…?” As in, are you going to come back in today and pay this…? We’ll take credit card over the phone. I mean, I knew the price couldn’t have been right. It costs me an arm and a leg to get my hair highlighted usually. But still.  What do you want me to do with it…? Um, not pay it? I was about to say, “Don’t you remember me!?! Amy broke my NECKLACE?!?! Now I have to find a chain that will probably cost as much as the hair cut and that extra $25.”

Whatever. She was just doing her job. But while I like it there…It’s so…hoity toity, you know? Like, really? You couldn’t afford the $25 and let it slide this time…? Since she broke my necklace?

Whatev! No big deal. I’ll get over it soon…

July 25, 2008 - Picture of the Day

Originally uploaded by BlueEyezz

A new haircolor. . .And while you don’t notice…it’s cut different. See the bangs that fell across my eye?? It’s also shorter and thinned out.

I really like it. The color is called “Milk Chocolate” and is so yummy and shiny!!

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Got it colored and cut this morning. I got the cut for free. Because the hair stylist? Accidentally cut my necklace off. Er….Ok!

July 24, 2008 - Picture of the Day

Originally uploaded by BlueEyezz

The pretty flower ring I wear almost CONSTANTLY. . .Bought on Etsy. It’s pink!

Trent said the one thing I wasn’t ready to hear just yet…Even if it was true.

“Mel, I’m so sad right now. . . *long pause*. . .you deserve so much more than what I can give you.”

I knew it wasn’t going to work out. But it’s so not easy. For either of us. I can’t go one day without shedding a tear…or a hundred. We both know it’s ending and it’s killing the two of us. I can’t sleep…I can’t eat…Neither can he. But we know it’s not going to work.

IT IS SO FREAKING HARD TO MAINTAIN SANITY RIGHT NOW.

Nose!

Originally uploaded by BlueEyezz

I did something a bit…crazy today. Ignore my large nose pores and take a gander at the silver thing right there.

Um. Ow!? Ha. It hurt a bit that’s for sure. Didn’t hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would.

I was going to wait to go when my gal Brandy came home from Colorado next month on vacation. However…I had the guts to do it and I needed to do it ASAP!! So…I DID!

Huge mess of Cascade 220 Wool

Originally uploaded by BlueEyezz

Um, yeah. Pay attention to what you’re doing before you try to wind a skein of yarn into a center pull ball. If you’re not careful, you’ll have a tangled mess on your hands. I still have about 25% of this yarn tangled….At least I’m not in a rush to begin the project.

July 21, 2008 - Picture of the Day

Originally uploaded by BlueEyezz

Ike, sitting on a pillow AND a fleece blanket….In the chair that is by the only window I have in my main room. He’s been driving me bananas, as he has been jumping up and down, BARKING all darn day. He keeps trying to jump into the window sill, but I’m freaking scared he’s going to go through the screen or something. Stupid dog!

He’s darn cute, though, isn’t he?

He sure makes me smile…