December IS going to be nuts. I'm working on the CNA license/class. Finishing Christmas presents. I don't have a lot to say. I won't stop posting completely. Maybe I'll only post on Monday and Friday. Maybe only Monday. Or Monday Wednesday Friday. Lately, I haven't been up to my one post a day self. . . We'll see if I actually STICK to this. Will I?? Or won't I??

Spluring is…not so good. 

Today, I have eaten about 1800 calories! Yikes! I am supposed to only eat 1500 at the most. Oh boy. . .

Yesterday was ABOUT 1700 .

I haven't even eaten that much, but what I HAVE been eating is quite fattening. 

I'm really down because I thought I was doing better than that. 

I had lost another 2 pounds. . .maybe suddenly I had it in my mind that it was ok to splurge then. Of course, I should have thought, hey, you'll gain it back, Mel. 

I am beating myself up on this.

 I disappeared for a few days. Life has been insane. I have been working on my CNA license and this was my first week of class. It has been filled with class time (8-2:30pm every day for two weeks), and can you believe. . .8 tests in those two weeks? Yeah, so I've been studying my butt off and trying to keep up with my Christmas knitting as well. 

I am most proud of myself this week, because of how well I have been doing with my eating habits and I have been exercising every day. Until today. Ha. . .I went to Walmart after class to pick up a prescription and picked up two things — Tostitos Lime Chips and a Snickers bar. I have eaten that candy and a lot of chips.  And I didn't go to the gym. Or do any other workout. I may end up doing yoga or pilates. But I am definitely splurging and WITHOUT binging or anything, am going to enjoy my evening with delicious food. Grilled cheese and tomato soup. And maybe a square or two of cookie dough.  It's ok to give in right? I mean, yes, I'm only supposed to splurge on one thing. Especially now since it's the holidays. . .Our first party is already TOMORROW. UGH! I hope there is a very large veggie tray and pretzels or something…That ARE NOT dipped in chocolate. Oh, I am REALLY beating myself up here on the splurging after having a great week.
I'm going to splurge on sleep tonight, too. I'M DEAD TIRED.

but to tell you the truth, I haven't had to get up at 6:30 in the morning in….well…over 2 months. I get up at 8, 9 at the very latest, so 6-6:30 is EARLY.  I have one more week of classes, then I have clinicals the following week. 3 days of having to get up even earlier and having to be at the nursing home at. . .*drumroll* 6:45am. Sigh. . .That's what time I actually roll out of bed right now.
I can't wait to start school in January though, for some reason. My reality is getting close! Now I just have to complete my application. :p

I finally got everything settled with Christmas plans and when I'll see my family. 

But my dad won't be able to make it. He emailed to tell me so.

I emailed back to explain that he probably won't see me at Christmas then. I wasn't pissed. Just stating a fact.  I'm disappointed. 

He writes back and tells me he doesn't “need” me all mad at him and that he doesn't want to deal with that. 

No, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed! I'll be out of town at Christmas. 

Out of the past few years, I've only seen my dad once at Christmas anyway, but I wish he actually gave a shit about that.

 My anxiety has gotten so much worse lately. I'm not working, so I don't HAVE to get out of the house everyday. And I find I have reverted back to some of my old tendencies. . .FEARING leaving the house. Having panic attacks again…way too often. 

I'm so frustrated, because I had worked so hard to get rid of these habits and now they are back. 

And I'm considering going back to a real job again. No, it's not what I want to do, but I fear my panic attacks and the power they have on me. 

I just keep remembering the last time I was working on this major — when the panic attacks first showed up. 

But I can't give up on my dreams because of this anxiety, right?

Only for knitting, of course!

http://melknits.wordpress.com

Between myself and my two aunts, we have sent 20+ emails to each other trying to come up with an alternative to Christmas Eve. I still want to scream. Because no one can agree on anything.  Ever.
 

I hate Christmas. It used to be my favorite holiday. But now, trying to figure out who and when to spend time with everyone….it's just killing me. My family has a standing set Christmas eve shindig EVERY year. It's never changed over the past decade. Sometimes it's at a different person's house, but it's always the same. Well, Trent's brother and sister-in-law? Decided to make things an “every other year” thing. I understand this, but his sister-in-law doesn't seem to understand that Trent has another family that he is involved in and that he has to also be with my family as well. I'm so flustered. 

I wrote my aunts today, and one, who happens to deal with retail stuff HAS to work that day (she is HR at Target), so we can't start the party any sooner than 6. Mind you, we have to drive an HOUR up to Trent's.  And I can imagine that his sister-in-law will be PISSED if we get there at, say 7:30 or 8, because by then the two kids will be tired and cranky. While the rest of his family will probably be FINE with us getting there late, but we will have missed dinner by then. 

I feel like crying. It's my cousins first Christmas and my aunt has made it clear how important and special it is that everyone be there to celebrate it together. I WENT TO CRY and SCREAM at the same time.

Maybe being in a relationship isn't so fantastic. 

I know I'm not alone in this issue — many of you have probably had to deal with this at one point or another. I just don't know what to do.

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And if you love me as much as I love me (and feel sorry for me and my Christmas dilemma *because none of YOU have had to deal with this, lol*), here's my Amazon wish list. lol. . .I'm just kidding….

Well, I'm dead tired. Still trying to get rid of this sinus infection, and now I have a big baby of a boyfriend dealing with a cold of his own. I'm done making the food for tomorrow: baked ranch crackers, rocky road candy, and the topping for Trent's rye rounds. Although lately, his rye rounds, have become my project.

We're supposed to get 4-6 inches of snow by tomorrow night. I wonder if that will actually happen. Somehow I doubt it. This is Michigan. The weather changes every hour.  Should be a fun drive, lol. Almost an hour will most likely become almost two if the weather does get crappy. The highway we take up to Grand Rapids is one of the most dangerous in the state during the winter. It runs North to South and always catches the flack when the lake effect snow rolls in.

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You know what? I'm corny. I'm swooning over Gene Kelly while watching “Singin' In the Rain.” Corny, I am.  I had to watch it for my film class last year, and TCM is playing it right now. I love it! Lol. . .

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Sorry for the side note.  Anyway, we finally got a few lights up on the house. If the rain ever turns into snow, I'll be able to go out and take a picture of my handiwork. Yes, the fixes were all done by me as Trent works until it's dark out and then he got sick. The bum. The tree is also up. Now I just need to charge the batteries for my camera and take pictures!

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Seriously, Gene Kelly rocks.

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xo and happy thanksgiving.

 So….this evening and tomorrow morning, we are expecting 4-6 inches of real accumulating snow. I'm actually semi-excited!

Wish us luck, as we have a long drive tomorrow morning to get to Trent's parent's house!